Perhaps it is not about you at all but about the child gone before you. Perhaps the soul lesson is their own. The path, one to advance their own development. Perhaps maybe you were chosen to love them without condition and to help them with this leg of their journey because you held the qualities and the soul of a warrior.
Perhaps, though it did not feel so, you were strong enough to let them go before you, to allow them to move on. Perhaps you were divinely placed to fill a role so sacred as to teach earthly lessons to a soul more advanced than yourself.
Perhaps you were led to live out a life beyond the loss learning to understand that love is much more than what exists here within the confines of our bodies. Perhaps now, beyond the loss, you have done a miraculous service for another soul who loves you and thanks you for what you have done.
Getting back to the difficult to talk about subjects today. If you go back to #17 titled “What it Is” you will get a little background about how all of what I am going to share in this post started. To me, it’s actually why I started the blog in the first place and where the hope really lies. It is where the fascination begins and where things get interesting. I’ve said before that these experiences are difficult to share, and they are. One always wonders what others will think of your sanity in the face something so uncommon. The message I continue to receive however is to share them anyway and that it is not my job to make anyone believe, only to touch a soul with the message – not change a mind closed to it.
While I do not have exact dates of the occurrences or the exact order in which they took place, I have outlined them over the years. This particular incident took place early on in the grieving process, I would have to say a year or so after Brian’s death.
Astral travel or the out of body experience can happen in several ways. Often for me, it occurs in the state of half sleep, half awake. Sometimes, from a lucid dream. This was one such time. I was with my soon-to-be husband this particular evening, having fallen asleep for the night. The dream itself was one which plagued me often. I was driving but unable to control the vehicle. It was careening all over the road, a dream of anxiety and frustration. One of not being in control of a situation. I will add that all the while there were “beings” along the roadside watching. The “beings” were human-like but not completely and like the dream, not unfamiliar. They were smaller in stature, darker skinned and seemed to be there for support of some kind. There was no facial recognition, no actual characteristic to distinguish one from the other. I have no other words to describe them but had seen them many times in other experiences.
For the first time in this driving dream, I had the conscious thought to just give up. To not be afraid anymore of what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and let the car crash. I remember thinking, “I don’t care anymore,” and did just that. I let it go. My car did crash and came to its eventual halt where I was surrounded by several of these beings. It was there that everything happened very quickly. I was spoken to by one of them, not in words but in thought communication. He seemed very unhappy that I was where I was. I do not remember what he was trying to say. All I said was, “do I get to see Brian now?” The displeasure was palpable as I caught a glimpse of him with a long rope or cord and felt myself detach from the situation.
To describe what happened next is difficult. I was suddenly within something completely different. A tunnel would be a word to describe it, vortex another, but a tornado would be even better. It was moving so fast that I was at first completely disoriented. After a moment, I was able to collect my thoughts. It was not a dream. I had complete and total awareness of everything that was happening. I knew at that moment where my body was lying asleep. That my book was at the foot of the bed. I recalled where we had gone to dinner that evening, driving home and being safe, that there was no accident. I knew that my other son was at home and ok. I remembered dreaming but knew that I wasn’t anymore. There was no wrapping my head around what was happening.
This vortex around me moved with such speed. It was dark and loud, like a wind blowing. I was moving at a very fast pace within it and had no real control or way to stop it. I just kept thinking about “home” and what could have occurred to bring me here. None of it made sense. Then I heard him. I heard Brian’s voice shout from one end. “Mom!” He seemed frantic. A moment later, he was there. He grabbed me and was holding my arms as we looked at one another. We were both spinning within this tunnel, our faces close to one another. I was trying to catch my breath and crying. I managed to choke out, “I love you.” He said to me, “I love you too, but you can’t stay here, you have to go back.” With that, I was thrust back almost violently. I felt myself reenter and sat bolt upright in bed, still crying, my heart about to beat out of my chest, waking my partner without trying. I could still feel the pressure on my arms of a grip from something. All that I knew was that it was one of the most real things that has ever happened to me.
I will never forget it; I cannot explain it, although I have theories. What I do know is that love is ferocious. It exists beyond that which can be explained. It will be there waiting for you.
I watched last night as many of us did the awful play out of what occurred during the Monday Night Football broadcast. I watched it as a fan. I watched it as a human being. I watched it as a mother. I watched it as a bereaved mother.
Like everyone, I was struck with emotion on a lot of levels seeing a 24-year-old fall to the ground like he did. It was horrific for everyone. I have carried it since on a level I suppose goes deep for a myriad of reasons that are different and difficult to adequately explain. I have seen them written out in words on other Facebook posts by mothers, fans and the like. Over and over today I have asked myself in the need to “get it out,” what is the take from it all?
It is hopeful that he will make a full recovery. We still await that news. My heart stays with his family today. In the moments however, the long moments of silence and stillness in what should have been filled with the raucous noise of football, we saw much. We saw what we think of as very strong, tough men, cry. We saw them hold one another, pray and be brought to a humble place of needing nothing other than each other. We saw a stadium of thousands not move for over an hour just awaiting something…news of anything. We saw many of these same fans go to the hospital and wait vigil praying and lighting candles. We saw normally chatty broadcasters fight back tears and unable to find words trying to fill the space.
There is often little reason to find in the awful things that happen in life. You will make yourself crazy looking for them. The takeaway, I struggle with as well but as we go forward reflect on what we saw. Overwhelmingly, we saw love. We saw good. We saw thousands (millions if you count those of us not physically there) stop everything to care about the life of one human being. Perhaps it was the stage being the perfect venue to show us all, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. It still happened. It was a slice of time when love won out over all else. That deserves some reflection as to how to move forward for everyone who witnessed it.
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I am digressing a bit from the topic that I started in previous posts but will get back to it, I promise! As of late something else has been coming to my attention a lot. The topic of what people say (or do not say) when someone is in the depths of grief has reared its head multiple times. I’ve encountered it in conversations with those who have recently lost loved ones as well as other blogs, articles, and the like. Since, it’s been swirling around in my head bringing me here. So, for what it’s worth, this is what I take it from it all.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY? We all know that for most of us it can be uncomfortable dealing with grief and tears. We don’t want to say the wrong thing and I’ve touched on this before. However, it’s unacceptable to say nothing. You can’t pretend it just didn’t happen by walking by or trying to go on with business as if you don’t know. They know you know. Your words won’t suddenly make them remember that their loved one is gone. If your moment of kindness brings a few tears, it’s OKAY! Tears are human and they were going to cry them at some point anyway. Share them with them and move forward. Be human. Be kind.
Say….”I am so very sorry”
Say….”I am here, I can listen”
Say…”I am so sorry for your pain”
If you knew the person who died, share a remembrance. This is a wonderful way to bring smiles with tears.
Say… SOMETHING.
A lot of people seem to have an issue with “I’m sorry for your loss.” Personally, I don’t have a problem with it. I suppose it can seem generic and trite, but it is indeed a loss and if it comes from a kind place it’s certainly better than saying nothing at all.
That’s it. In a nutshell, don’t ignore it, ever. Say something – you are human, they are human. You will find common ground. Be kind. It’s easier than you think. You will walk away better for it.
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While the subject of connection with a loved one who is no longer living amongst us in this world is fascinating to most people, you will find that there lies a line of plausible believability. That which you can wrap your mind around and that which you cannot. You will find that there is a threshold for most people of what seems possible and what does not. Even I have my tipping point of what falls heavy on the “crazy” meter when I hear it.
In a recent post, “How Does it Happen,” I began to explain some of the ways in which our loved ones who have passed on may make some sort of contact with us. You might want to do a quick review but here are the ones I laid out for quick reference.
Dream visits
Tapping your energy field
Meditation
Signs and synchronicities
Astral projection/travel
Personally, I have had experiences with all of these but the reason that this blog exists is to tell the stories and most of those fall within the category of astral projection/travel. It’s taken years and still much courage to go forth with this exercise but here we are.
There are oodles of books on the subject which I found once it began to happen to me on a more regular basis. Understand, that this was something that I did not seek. While I had experienced the phenomena once or twice in my childhood/teen years and then again in my early adult hood, it was not common, and nothing ever really occurred to make me look further into it. It did not seem to last long and wasn’t alarming in any way. It was just a sort of “out of body experience” and was always peaceful. No harm no foul.
Upon my divorce in the mid 2000’s, I was in a very bad place emotionally. I was betrayed, sad and afraid of what was to come. This was the first time I had an astral experience of significance. It was an early morning in 2007 when I felt it begin to happen through no effort of my own. A sort of “lift out” of my body and seeing myself lying there. I had complete conscious thought and knew that I wasn’t dying because it had happened before. I felt a presence with me. It was loving and kind. It held me as we left my home and flew over landscapes I was unfamiliar with. I knew that it was male though I never saw his face. He was reassuring and kind. I saw faces of people whom I did not know but were so happy to see me, all smiling and radiating love, waving as we passed by them. Eventually, we stopped, my feet hit ground and he let go, where I was able to run with childlike abandon. I could see and feel onlookers, the people we had passed over watching from nearby windows in this unknown place, this place which seemed to represent a new life, all still sending love and approval. I felt him beaming as I did and the joy in my heart made it feel as if it would burst. After some time, like a parent, he told me we had to go but that my life would be ok, that I would feel like that again. I told him that I didn’t want to, but he took me anyway and I was returned to my room and softly placed back into reality. I could only put my hands over my face and cry at the astonishment of what had just happened.
I was not asleep; it was not a dream. I can attest to that from years now of more like experiences. After taking some time to absorb what I went through, I shared what happened with my mother and no one else. I still do that now when they occur. It takes time to just take it in before being able to talk about it. It did not honestly happen again, that I remember, until losing Brian. That would be 7-8 years later. Those stories are amazing, funny, and numerous. They are the direction of this blog and where I believe, the difference in my story lies.
So there, the proverbial band aid is off. Crazy maybe but it happened, it happened some more, and it still happens from time to time. I will take the gift that it is and embrace it for what it is. For what it is, crazy and all, gives much.
Sometimes in the quiet I “hear” something. A wisdom shared from an entity that comes through very clearly. To be honest, I could not tell you what I was thinking about exactly but the answer to my thought was clear and profound and has stuck with me these last few days.
“So much difficulty and pain can make one close the heart for protection. It is at this time you should open it the widest for it has learned the most.”
It would seem we are supposed to love harder because we know better.
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In the nearly eight years since Brian left, a lot has happened. I’ve said before that there are a lot of stories and experiences to share and that the purpose for doing so was to help others who are grieving. I feel like it’s time to get on to the heart of the matter, so to speak. To talk about encounters of a more difficult nature to explain. Subject matter that for someone who has never experienced anything similar or have no prior belief in may find, well frankly, unbelievable. It’s not my job however to make you believe. All that I can do is to relay to you what has happened to me personally. Your belief in it is your own. My hope is that it opens your eyes to the possibility that there is much more to what is there than what we can see and touch, or that we were brought up to believe. You are reading this because you were led here for one reason or another. Take it for what you will.
Before beginning to tell the stories, I think it’s important to lay out a couple of things about how “it” happens. “It” being communication with spirit/passed on loved ones/etc. As I do so, I reiterate that I can only relay what has happened and happens for ME. Others have experienced it in the same way (which provided validation in the beginning that I was not losing my mind), while others experience things differently. I have done much reading and talking and looking into what has happened in order to learn and make sense of it but I share my own experiences and do not pretend to be an expert. To help with understanding the myriad of ways “it” can happen, below are examples and explanations of what may occur starting with the most basic.
Dream visits: these are beautiful and a huge favorite of mine. How do you know the difference between a dream and visitation in a dream? It’s not hard actually. In a regular dream, your loved one will simply be in it like everyone else in the dream. The context of the dream will remain unchanged. It will seem normal that they are there. A visitation however is VERY different. In this case, your departed loved one will appear within your dream, out of its normal context. You will be aware and alert to the fact that they should not be there, that they are dead and gone. You will feel unbelievable joy in seeing them. They may or may not speak to you, embrace you, etc. They are normally short but powerful and leave you feeling incredibly peaceful upon ending. This will stay with you for some time upon becoming fully awake even though you are questioning what happened (because your logical mind doesn’t understand). Often, your loved one will look younger than they were when they left you. This is very common – I mean, wouldn’t you?
Tapping your energy field: this is very common but more difficult to pick up on. We can all do this but some of us are definitely more adept at it than others. Again, difficult to explain. The best term that I can use is “sixth sense.” You know when you FEEL something, or something comes to you, that you all of a sudden have a memory or a thought that you cannot shake? It’s like that. Often, if they are around you, and are trying to talk to you, it feels like that.
An example for instance. I was home working one day when I kept getting, out of nowhere, thoughts of yellow roses. Very random. It went on for a while until I was opening my pantry door and saw birthday candles and it hit me, my mom’s birthday (who is gone) was in two days. I felt a sudden physical warmth come over me when I said out loud, “oh Mom, it’s almost your birthday isn’t it?” You see, she loved yellow roses. I felt complete joy and peace knowing she was there with me and knew how happy she was that I heard her.
They can do this, they are just there like any other being who might be in the room with you – you would feel them. This being might make you feel happy, sad, etc. Being still and open to it helps. You will absolutely know when it happens.
Meditation: This is a great way to make contact and I include it because it would be wrong not to. If it’s something you want to try, I would not recommend that you sit down yogi style and try to hum your way through it. You’ll never try it again. There are lots of free guided meditations online that you can use (some are MUCH better than others). I believe that it’s a great practice to go into for peace of mind first. Anything that comes after is just icing on the cake.
The premise however is that if you can learn to quiet yourself and elevate yourself to a place beyond the hubbub of this plane, you will be more open to “hear.” It does work for a lot of things. You would be amazed. It’s been around for centuries for good reason.
Signs and synchronicities: This one kind of fits in with messing with your energy field and I’ve written about it before, but it bears repeating. Somehow, someway, they figure out how to use their energy to manipulate things around you. Remember, they are NOT GONE. They are just different now. The soul is still full of energy and can be felt. Synchronicities happen when they prompt someone else to make something happen to get your attention. Signs come along when they actually do something to say, “hey – it’s me!”
You may even see something if you are really lucky!
Astral projection/travel: So, here’s where it gets beefy – the point where if it never happened to you, you can’t even imagine. For me, it’s happened since I was very young but in very limited capacity. The only person I every shared it with was my mom who completely believed what I told her as I encountered what I believe was an Angel and a spirit guide at a pivotal time in my life. This experience left me full of joy and hope that all would be ok. I knew from that moment on that there was more. I was shown by these beings hope for a future and felt pure bliss in that time frame. Since then, and after the loss of Brian, things ramped up and experiences became aplenty. Fascinating, joy filled, funny, just downright cool things that I can begin to tell in future posts now that the groundwork is in place.
To be honest, this is the hard part to tell. It sounds completely crazy I KNOW! So, what is it exactly? For me, it is when your being or soul leaves your physical body and goes elsewhere. When people have “out of body” experiences at the point they are close to death – they report seeing themselves from above, being witness to what happens in the room, etc. It is much like that. What happens at that point varies and is honestly where the stories begin.
It has been the place where much communication and seeing my son has taken place. There has been love and humor, as there was here before he left. The subject itself is too difficult to take on in a single post and the stories varied and difficult to grasp. I only hope that with guidance I do figure out how to do the retelling of it all justice.
I believe that there are lots of us out there who have had some or all of these experiences in some form or another, the courage to talk about it is a whole other thing. It has been my experience since beginning this journey that if you are brave enough to step out, you will be met with lots of “me toos.”
It washes over us mostly unnoticed until we are in need of more of it, or until like a small child, it will not pass fast enough as we wait in anticipation of something exciting and magical.
It can be a thief, stealing our youth and the lives of those we love away.
It can be a beggar as it willfully seems to stand on our doorstep watching suffering and despair, continuously wanting more before finally continuing on.
It can be a gift allowing us a lifetime to spend with family and loved ones. or an opportunity to begin anew.
It can pass over while we sleep so silently that it goes unnoticed until we mark it with a milestone.
We have no control over time itself for it is not tangible though we try to make it so.
We wish it away, we wish it to come, we wish it over, we wish for more.
Time dances on. It does not stop to savor the joy or speed up to hurry through the pain.
Somehow, time in its non-capturable way passes over us with the rising and setting of the sun and, if we are lucky, we are changed by it.
For as sure as time moves on, time brings with it all that we are and all that we become.
Time will surely bring joy and laughter as it will bring sorrow and tears. It will bring defeat and triumph. Time will bring love. It will bring light and it will bring darkness.
It has no guarantee of balance or length – nor of its quality.
However, time is yours to do with it what you will. Strive to find as much peace in your time as you possibly can and fill it with love.
On this Valentine’s Day it seemed appropriate to share this short, sweet story. Love – it comes in many forms and as I’ve said before, it is not extinguished with the death of a body. Rather it lives on in its energetic form where it can be felt and kept close to your heart. Sometimes, it is so close, it’s tangible. Sometimes, its energy so strong it can be seen by human eye and very often by those of beloved pets.
Our family was blessed for many years with a pet named Emmie. She was a rescue dog from a shelter of mixed breed heritage and brought a sweetness to our lives we dearly miss. We brought her into our home when Brian and his brother were in third grade, and she grew up with them, not leaving until after Brian did, and well into her 15th year. She was of a quiet gentle nature and adored everyone (with the exception of one particular furniture delivery guy years ago who must have had some bad juju).
No matter where her bed was placed in our home, she always made her way to the doors outside of our bedrooms. Even in her advanced age, she made her way each night up a flight of stairs to rest on a landing between my room and my sons leaving her comfy bed downstairs unoccupied. There she would stay until someone came out to walk her down the next day.
One particular night, after Brian had been gone for some time, I was awakened to a sound I did not recognize. After coming around enough to begin to make sense of it, I realized I was hearing a steady “thump, thump, thump” coming from outside my room. I stood and made my way to the closed bedroom door as the sound continued and turned on the overhead light. The light did not stop the thumping and I realized that whatever it was, was hitting my door or close to it. I didn’t feel afraid, it was just odd, so I opened it to find Emmie there.
As the light from my room streamed out to the landing and stairway, I could plainly see her. She was sitting straight up, her tail wagging and steadily hitting my door jamb. Her eyes were wide open and staring up at something in what had been the pitch-black darkness with that puppy smile (you know that happy to see you smile they get). She was not looking at me, but rather something else. The light was streaming from behind me, the landing and stair well still dark, she did not break stride. She did not turn to look at me but rather kept staring, wagging and doggie smiling. As I was still groggy and not taking it all in, I said out loud, “aww, what are looking at girl?” as I touched her head and smiled, it had not hit me. I closed my door as she finally settled down and I went back to bed before I realized, I know what or better yet who she was smiling at.
Someone came to visit his puppy. There is simply no other explanation.
This subject hit me yesterday with the words, “tackle it” whispered into my head. To be honest, I don’t feel completely equipped to move forth with such a complex endeavor but here I am all the same trusting that the words will come forth and the message will be delivered as it is supposed to be.
You see, it’s been a difficult year personally. Loss, struggle and frustration with the universe in general mixed in with what should be a joyous time in life. It has stonewalled me personally and frozen me in progress that I thought I had made over the years. I have stood still in that time and questioned again the purpose of it – the why?
I have been blessed through some of the difficulties in my own life with some amazing experiences to help me believe that there is more to life than what we can touch and feel, much more. but that doesn’t always prove to be enough to pull you through the darkest of days. So what does? What is the little beating pulse of life that somehow pulls us through when we feel as if we can’t anymore? What helps us breathe through one more moment until it becomes another hour, another day, a week, a month, a year?
To be completely honest, it’s been a challenge and when I say “keeping the faith” I refer not only to whom you believe from a religious aspect but also faith that things will change, that life will continue, that hope exists, etc., etc., etc. For myself, it’s a mixed bag and it’s changed over time. I have been all over and after losing my son literally, yes, literally told God in his heaven to ” F-off ” while crying in my shower. I’m sure that would provoke a gasp from some, but I know He knows that while I meant it at the time (I can’t lie and say that I didn’t), that I needed to get it out and that He has big shoulders – it’s all good. I still occasionally “salute” the universe as a whole on really bad days at the collective amount of crap that’s been loaded on my plate over the last 26 years or so, but I keep going. Somehow, I keep going.
In our paths of good and bad, even when the bad is outweighing the good so heavily that it feels as if we will never get from out from under it, how do we keep going? In this last year, I’ve honestly reexamined that a lot. While not everyone does and that is scary and sad, the vast majority do. How exactly do they “keep the faith” and what does that mean exactly?
The only truthful answer that I can come up with is Love. It brings tears to my own eyes as I write it – the simplicity of it all. It is everything. No matter who it is for, where or to whom it is directed to or from, it is the light, it is the beat within all of us that spurs us forward. It is the gift we were given that is intangible and immeasurable. The force of it can do anything yet, cannot be bought or sold, it simply exists.
If something as simple as love is enough to push one through the most awful experiences of our lives, if its force is enough to somehow help us believe that we can get though another day, if the love for another person is enough to keep us here and living when we don’t want to be – how could anything be more powerful than that? How could we not believe that there is more to all that we experience than what we can touch and see?
It would seem that the subject isn’t so complex after all.
Keep the Faith – Love one another.
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