The Challenge #21

“I wish you would come back.” I say that to myself whispering it under my breath more times a day than I can count. I say it as if somehow the words might breathe you back to life again.

My mind knows better. It knows that you in your truest sense never really left but the missing of your physical presence is difficult to accept. Learning how to reach for you, to find solace in the space which divides us is by far the biggest challenge of your physically not being here.

One’s psyche immediately moves back in time to moments and memories of when you were here trying to capture every piece of your essence. At the same time, it tries to quiet itself to find the spirit which now exists and never left at all.

I hear you my boy, but I still wish that you would come back. I will probably whisper it to you forever.

The above was written early on after the loss of Brian. I was reminded of it this week when speaking to a family member about my brother who left us just under two years ago. He said that he kept waiting for him to stick his head around the corner and say, “just kidding.” That it was all a bad joke.

Coping with the physical aspect of loss is by far the most difficult challenge. It never goes away. There simply is no replacing it. It’s been my experience, that the only way to begin to deal with it is to continue the relationship. Never stop talking to them. Never “accept” that they are not here for they are, and that they will let you know. It will be different, it will not always be on queue, but it was always be filled with love. That, you get to keep.